Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
by Lex55
Summary: Buffy faces her greatest, most personal tragedy. And in doing so comes to realize that just because she's strong enough to go it alone, doesn't mean she has to.


**Title: Sometimes you can't make it on your own.  
Written by: Lexie  
Summery: Buffy faces her greatest, most personal tragedy. And in doing so comes to realize that just because she's strong enough to go it alone, doesn't mean she has to.  
Rated: PG Category: Angst/Deep Friendship.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing BtVS related. If I did B/X would have been a reality instead of a dream. And I also own nothing of U2's if I did I would definitely have a better computer to do this on! So therefore don't sue unless you are looking for severe disappointments!  
Author's Warnings: This one is more on the sad side of things. The song "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own" by the group U2 inspired me and here is the result of that inspiration. **

**Much thanks to my personal cheerleader, minus the skirt and pom poms. You know who you are! ;) **

**

* * *

"Sometimes You Can't Make it own your on."-Song by U2

* * *

**

Buffy made her way down the winding stone pathway with a gentle step. The sun was shining through the trees and she could feel a light breeze washing over her. She never really noticed how peaceful this place truly was. It was probably because most of the time she spent here was cold, dark, and had her fighting for her life against some creature of the night. She almost never came here during the day and the few times that she did it was a time that she tried her best to forget. But now as she looked out over the well kept grounds, vibrant flowers, bushes, and trees it seemed so peaceful and serene.

Buffy turned off the pathway and started weeding her way through the countless number of headstones and grave markers. It had been such a long time since she last found herself walking this path. In fact, it had been so long ago that she had to actually remind herself of the correct way to her destination. As she made her way through she glanced at the passing gravestones. She had so many bad memories of this place, most of them ending in bloodshed, but not once did she ever take the time to actually look at the grave markers. Not really and truly look at them. But now she couldn't help but look. She noticed how well kept some of them were. Some were surrounded with beautiful flowers that boasted a wild array of colors. Some had little trinkets lying around them, clearly left there by a loved one to signify the once importance of that person lying beyond that grave. There were no weeds trying to over take the surrounding grass or ant beds outlining the small area. Undoubtedly those same loved ones cared enough to keep their special one's finale resting places neat and clean. But every once in a while she would come across a tombstone that didn't meet any of those qualifications. Those few were over run with bug infestation as well as thick weedy grass. There were neither beautiful arrangements nor special trinkets to signify the importance of that person. In fact, it almost looked as though they were left behind. Abandoned, to be forgotten by the world.

Buffy suddenly felt sick with anticipation because she suddenly wondered how the place she was searching for would look like. Would it be one of the vibrant beautiful ones or one of the forgotten? That thought alone almost made her stop and turn away to leave. To leave with out making it to her destination, because she didn't want to face that possible truth. She didn't want to go there and see a small plot of ground over grown with weeds and left forgotten. It would hurt too much to think that it would be left forgotten.

Buffy swallowed hard and pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind as she continued on her way. If she remembered correctly she just had to go around this Saint Mary monument and then there would be a small clearing just beyond. Finally, she would find herself at the destination she had forsaken for so long.

As she rounded the monument she felt so many deep emotions rush back to her. Memories of a life long ago washed over her and threatened to over take her. She wasn't so sure if this was such a good idea anymore. Buffy stopped as she came to the edge of the monument and gazed down at the ground. The feeling of wanting to leave came rushing back and she wanted to turn away and leave like she always did and never return. It would be too painful to see this place again and she wasn't strong enough to handle it. She could bend steel at the blink of an eye but this, this was too much for her. She almost let her fears get the better of her but before she could turn away she saw a figure standing over the place she was trying so desperately to escape.

Buffy stared at the figure for a few moments in puzzlement. It was an instantly familiar figure that she had known for what seemed like her whole life. The same dark shaggy hair and the same almost slumped pose told her who the visitor was. With a hint of a smile she wondered why he was there. With her worries suddenly forgotten, Buffy made her way towards Xander slowly.

"Hey," Buffy simply whispered to him once she was standing behind him.

It was in such a soft tone that Xander almost didn't hear her, but being that he had heard that tone before he knew whom it belonged to before he even turned around. He turned around with a slightly surprised expression as he peered down at Buffy. "Hi."

He was surprised to see her. He had not seen her here in a very long time. In fact, the times that she was in this cemetery she made it her point to avoid this section. She never actually told anyone that was her purpose but he noticed it nonetheless. Every time there was some new vamp that needed Slaying she always kept her fighting on the other side of the cemetery. Where it was safe for her. Where memories didn't haunt her. He has wanted to talk to her about coming out here or at least her lack of, but now that she was standing right in front of him he didn't know what to say.

"Whatcha doing?" she asked lightly, and knew exactly what he was doing but she just couldn't think of anything else better to say.

Xander, being in the same boat as her just shrugged his shoulders, but after a moment added, "Visiting, I guess. You?"

Buffy looked down for a moment and took a breath. "The same."

Xander nodded but then suddenly realized just how hard all this must be for her. Buffy wasn't her confident strong Slayer self right now. She seemed timid and almost scared. It wasn't very often that he got a chance to see this side of her and yet here she was standing in front of him looking so lost. Xander slowly reached out to her and grasped her hand in his.

Buffy suddenly looked up surprised to see her small hand being held by his much larger one. She looked into his eyes and saw the most caring soft expression staring back at her. She realized he was waiting for her to make the next move so she swallowed hard and took a step towards him so that now she was standing by his side, both facing the head stone and all she could do was stare at it blankly.

**Joyce Elizabeth Summers **

**July 7th, 1954 -February 27th, 2001 **

**Forever Loved.**

Buffy stared at the cold slab of concrete and marble sticking out of the ground. She let Xander's hand slip away as she crossed her arms over her chest because even though it was a hot summer day everything felt suddenly cold to her. She felt numb as she went over each letter that was engraved into the marble. She went over the date that her mother was born and the date that she passed away. The second one took her by surprise for a second.

"How could one date seem so long ago and yet at the same time seem just like yesterday?" Buffy asked suddenly. Xander looked her way but kept silent because he knew it wasn't a question for him to answer, but a time for him to listen.

"I mean wasn't it just yesterday when Dawn and I would bake cakes with her for her birthday because she always said the best gift she could have was the time spent baking with her girls?" Buffy paused for a moment as if she was thinking about her own question. "Was it just yesterday or a lifetime ago?" Buffy pondered as she looked at the ground before her with confusion.

"Sometimes when I suddenly wake up early in the morning I'm confused at first because for a few seconds I forget everything that has happened over the last couple of years and then it's like I expect to see my mother come through my door to get me up for school. Like she had never…" Buffy paused a moment, not wanting to admit that her mother was gone. She looked away briefly, needing to gather her emotions and put them back in check. "It only lasts for a few moments and then my world comes crashing back to me, but for those few fleeting seconds, I'm free."

There was a long pause after that and Xander wasn't exactly sure what to say or do next. He wasn't used to this side of Buffy. He could see so many painful emotions shadowing across Buffy's face right now. He was used to a Buffy who kept her feelings and thoughts tucked away from the world. When Joyce died he felt as though she took a little bit of her daughter with her. It was when she died that Buffy started keeping her emotions and feelings to herself to an even greater degree. She wanted to be strong so she kept her Slayer front up and never shared her feelings and thoughts with her friends and family. He never knew why she started closing herself off to them but it always hurt a little. The worst part of it was that none of them ever knew how to make it better. So they just let her be. Let her keep things bottled up inside until it drove her to a dark place. And before he knew it they were all just like Buffy. Closed off and in that dark place. The friendship that once came so easy was a struggle and hated that with everything he was made of. But like always life went on as normal. The world tried to end a couple of times, and everyone just kept to themselves. Today though was going to be different, he decided. He wasn't going to let Buffy close herself off from him. He was going to make her open up and share every thought and feeling with him and then he would be there to hold her hand every step of the way. If it was the hardest thing he ever did on the Hellmouth, he was going to make their friendship easy again.

With those thoughts giving him new hope, he asked, "Free?"

At first Buffy was thrown by the one word question. She was so lost in her inner turmoil she had almost forgotten that Xander was standing right beside her. She had to think back to what she said a few moments ago. And gave him a short nod, yes, hoping that would quell his interest.

"How so?" he asked in a concern tone.

Buffy sensed Xander wasn't going to let this just be like most times so she continued, "Free from everything now. Free from the sometimes crushing responsibility. Free from monsters trying to end the world and the long research nights that produced nothing but wasted time. Free from all the bill collectors and the every day stress of trying to raise a teenager. Or even the everyday stress of being a twenty-something girl living her life with out her mother." She paused as a cleansing mood came over her. "Just free," she finally declared with a shrug. She didn't realize she was on a roll until she was suddenly out of breath.

"Must be nice."

"Yeah, until the real life comes crashing back in. And every damn problem comes back with a vengeance. Sometimes I feel like everything is trying to surround me and is building up to crush me until I feel like I can't breathe." Buffy continued as she began to feel angry. "Why? Why do I have to go through all this? What did I do that was so wrong that I have to be punished over and over again for?" she said with gritted teeth trying her best not to cry and to keep the emotion from her voice, but she knew Xander could hear it as plainly as she could. "Why did she have to leave me to face all these problems alone! Sometimes I want to hate her for that!"

There was a deafening silence after that last outburst, but once more Xander knew it was her time. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Buffy whispered, "But I never do. I can never make myself hate her. As much as I try, I always just end up hating myself."

"Buff," Xander said as he was overcome by her admission.

Buffy tried once again to reign in her emotions, only to fail. Her eyes were brimming with tears now, her face felt hot, and the lump in her throat felt so tight that it might burst. She felt her face scrunch up in agony as she fought with her emotions, but finally lost the battle. "God Xand, I miss her so much. So much that it hurts. I miss her smell, her laugh, her sound, her holding me, her…" She goes on but because she's crying so hard Xander can't make it all out.

Finally, Buffy felt her knee's buckle as she gave up and began to fall to the ground, so overwhelmed, but Xander was there to catch her. He held her tightly to him and tried to show her through his embrace that he has her and that she's safe. She grabbed onto him like he was the last life preserver in a topsy-turvy ocean. She buried her face into his shirt and sobs for her mother. She let out everything that she had kept to herself for so many years. While Xander just held her as best as he could. He laid his head on top of hers and listened to her sobs. He couldn't help but to cry with her because not only did it always kill him to see her cry, but because also he missed Joyce for Buffy.

Buffy cried in Xander's arms everything that she bottled up over the years. She cried until she had no more tears left in her to shed. She's shaking but Xander just held her a little bit tighter to calm her. After what seemed like an eternity of crying she just laid still against Xander's chest. She closed her eyes because she felt warm and protected in this little safe haven that her best friend has created for her. As she rested her head against his chest she could hear his heart thumping strong and it's the most peaceful sound to her. And finally, like all those early mornings waking up, she felt free.

Xander listened to her even breathing now. If they weren't standing up in the middle of a grave yard he might think she had fallen asleep, but he knows she's just resting now. He wanted to tell her so many things. Anything that would make things better for her. To tell her that he missed her mom too and that she's not going to face her problems of the world alone because he wont allow it. He promised himself that he was going to tell her and make sure she knows all of this but for now he would just let her rest.

After a long while of hugging Xander, Buffy pulled her head up and looked into his face. He had to lift his head off of hers at first to gaze down into her shining eyes. She sniffed and said, "Sorry Xand for getting all…" But she's silenced by one of Xander's fingers on her chin.

"Nope. No sorry's here, Buff." He's smiling at her, but continued on before she could pull away. "Do you know what I use to secretly wish for when I was little?"

Buffy wasn't sure where he was going with this so she shook her head no.

"For good parents. I use to lie in bed at night and wish so hard that I would get new parents. Parents that would love me the way that I deserved. But time went on and the wish went ungranted, so after a while I guess I gave up or maybe grew up. But then I met you and your mom. And you guys showed me this whole new loving world. Your mom loved you so much. And it shows. God, does it show. Her love shines through you every single day of your life. Shines so bright," he told her with a teary smile. "And well, after so many years of wishing, I finally got my wish granted. I got to experience all that love through you and your mom. I may not have received good parents for myself, but I got to experience one great parent and get to experience her great kids every single day for the rest of my life. I couldn't wish for anything better than that."

Buffy gazed at Xander and felt a lone tear run down her face. Just then she realized how absolutely lucky she was. Lucky because even though her mom was taken away from her early she got some great years with her and lucky because there were people out there, great people like Xander, who wasn't lucky enough to get a mom like hers. But most of all she was lucky to have a great man by her side to help her realize all of this. She was lucky because he would always be there for her because sometimes you can't make it on your own. She didn't say anything else, but she quietly rose up and kissed him lightly on the lips. She knew she wouldn't have to explain the kiss because he would understand its great value. A thank you. Not just for today but also for everything he was too her.

With out saying a word they both pulled away smiling. They started their way out of the cemetery hand in hand. But Buffy paused for a moment and looked back at her mom's grave. For the first time she noticed the freshly cut flowers that were so beautiful in the big vase in front of it and how nicely the grass looked. She looked at Xander who waited patiently beside her and she knew who was responsible for the beautiful care. She smiled brightly at him because she knew that her mom would never be a forgotten one.

She looked once more at her mom's grave and whispered, "Happy Birthday Mom." And then continued out the cemetery with Xander holding her hand all the way.

**The end.**


End file.
